To not being able to run from anything
In three hours its time to pick up Elin, the new Au Pair at the airport. I can’t believe that in two days I’ve spent exactly one year here, in the U.S, away from my family and friends in Sweden.
I remember the day I left like it was yesterday. I was wearing my long black dress and my mint green sweater and with my extremely red hair my face looked, if possible, even more pale than it was. I remember how excited I was about going, I didn’t even have one of those lumps in my throat that I sometimes get when I’m nervous or sad. I just turned around right before I went through the security check, waved and smiled at my family and passed the gates. I remember thinking that I was ready to leave Sweden for a while and start over somewhere else, and that I was glad I had gotten the opportunity to actually do it. And I remember how my smile grew bigger and bigger on my face every time I thought about the fact that soon I was gonna be able so hug my best friend again.
I remember the day I left like it was yesterday. I was wearing my long black dress and my mint green sweater and with my extremely red hair my face looked, if possible, even more pale than it was. I remember how excited I was about going, I didn’t even have one of those lumps in my throat that I sometimes get when I’m nervous or sad. I just turned around right before I went through the security check, waved and smiled at my family and passed the gates. I remember thinking that I was ready to leave Sweden for a while and start over somewhere else, and that I was glad I had gotten the opportunity to actually do it. And I remember how my smile grew bigger and bigger on my face every time I thought about the fact that soon I was gonna be able so hug my best friend again.
For those who have never done anything like this. Left their everyday life and the things that make them feel safe to go somewhere, far away from all that, all by themselves, it’s probably hard to understand how it feels inside of you when you leave. Neither how it feels when you’re gone, or when the time is coming to an end nor when it’s time to pack your bags and go home. Sometimes I don’t think I even know how it feels myself… All the feelings are mashed up, mixed together. You wanna go home, you wanna stay, you hate the fact that you’re not at home but you don’t wanna leave either. You want everybody to understand that you’re busy and that’s why they never hear from you, but at the same time you want people to keep in touch with you. You pretend that you don’t understand that their life goes on even when you’re not there. You get sad and disappointed over how lonely you feel when your friends back home is not writing you, asking how you are doing, and you are trying to deny that you deep inside know that it’s just as much your fault as theirs.
Then you feel guilty when you catch yourself thinking like that, because you know that you’re extremely bad at keeping in touch with the people you care about. You feel guilty because some days you’re not missing home at all, and then you feel guilty because you are feeling homesick, because of all of the great people here you don’t wanna leave behind.
The thing you won’t understand if you haven’t done something like this yourself is that it feels like a dream and like reality at the same time. It’s like having two realities, and you can’t live them both at the same time. The only thing is that you know that one day you are gonna have to leave one of our realities behind, to return to the real reality, the one reality you once tried to run from, although you realized pretty quick that you never can run away from it completely…
Then you feel guilty when you catch yourself thinking like that, because you know that you’re extremely bad at keeping in touch with the people you care about. You feel guilty because some days you’re not missing home at all, and then you feel guilty because you are feeling homesick, because of all of the great people here you don’t wanna leave behind.
The thing you won’t understand if you haven’t done something like this yourself is that it feels like a dream and like reality at the same time. It’s like having two realities, and you can’t live them both at the same time. The only thing is that you know that one day you are gonna have to leave one of our realities behind, to return to the real reality, the one reality you once tried to run from, although you realized pretty quick that you never can run away from it completely…
Well, now it’s almost time to say goodbye again, the difference is that this time I don’t know when I’m gonna see the people I’m saying goodbye to again. I wanna believe it when we say that we are gonna see each other soon again, but who knows? But then again, who know anything really… At least I have decided that I’m gonna do my best to make the most out of my last month with all my amazing friends and my lovely extra family!